So sad... I actually got excited when I first scanned your post and saw the first mention of Clipper. I have the unenviable task of managing an old FoxPro 2.6 (yeah... DOS!) app and I do so by bridging it with ColdFusion and thought I'd have a partner in misery!

Knowing you pick something "outrageous" for an April Fool's joke makes my reality even more pathetic!  ;-)